I can hardly wait any longer

I hate that all my life I have been fanatic about timelines. As soon as classes would start when I was in school I would figure out how many pages I had to read each week to stay caught up with the syllabus and use a separate calendar just to mark my school reading, tests, assignment schedule. It doesn't stop there, I am always jotting on the calendar how many days there are left to something. Pregnancies are the worst because there are trimesters, months, weeks, and days. I am always marking the next big thing coming up and then counting down the days. Can you say Obsessive/ Compulsive. Right now there are a lot of those things on the schedule. Christmas, New Year's, Tara's wedding, baby shower, Miguel's 3rd birthday, Stake Women's Conference, Baby due date, Stake Activity night-that I need to figure out what to do for our ward. There are always a million things on the list, but right now I just want to get to Wednesday afternoon-Christmas Eve. Jeff has been gone two weeks now and he will be home sometime late afternoon on Wednesday. I am missing him so much right now.

A lot of the plans we had for our family have taken on changes over the years. It seems that we, or I, try so hard to figure out exactly what we need to do and then it never seems that God has the same plan for us. I guess that controlling nature of mine needs some adjusting and I just haven't gotten the message. You would think by now I would remember to ask the Lord what is best for our family before I map out our future. I am learning, we are learning to rely on the Lord and I am feeling the Savior's love for me through all of the challenges that we are faced with. We have been so blessed these last couple of weeks and I can't express enough how thankful I am for the help of others. I am not so prideful that I can't say this has been a hard year for us. We have had a lot of ups and downs, but I know I have a Heavenly Father that loves us and with the Lord's help things do work out. I believe that if I remain faithful and do my part, the Lord will make up the difference where I might lack.

Jeff started his job two weeks ago and he was surprised by the kindness and generosity of those around him. He met a man and his wife at the company party after only being there for a couple of days and they were talking about their families. Well, for some reason this man felt compelled to ask Jeff if he could help us get a nice gift for our 5 year old. Without really even knowing us or our situation, he gave Jeff a gift that we have wanted to get for Traeton, but could not afford at this time. Do I believe in miracles? Would we have been okay without it, would Traeton have been okay without it? Of course, but I do not believe it was a coincidence or that this man was not prompted by the spirit to offer us some help this Christmas year. I just hope that as things turn around for us and we work through our own challenges, that we will one day be able to repay the generosity that we have been blessed with. Thank you to those near strangers that have come into our lives and blessed us this year. Weeks ago, I told Jeff this will be a Christmas we never forget and I thought that would be because of the struggle it would be for us to do all that we wanted to. I was so wrong. This will be a Christmas we never forget and it is because of the Lord and the way I have been able to witness his miracles in my life. I have been able to see how the Lord uses others as instruments of his will and it makes me want to be more in tune to hear the promptings of the spirit so that I might be able to help those around me.

It's been a while

It has been hard for me to formulate any coherent thoughts these last few weeks. Sometimes it feels like there isn't any rhyme or reason why things happen as they do. I am learning that change is inevitable and I have to accept that. I am trying to make the best of the situation we have found ourselves in. Jeff is now working in Vernal,Utah and he has been there one week. I need to thank my sister for her suggestion and for Betz and his referral.

Maybe Jeff and I will never have that ideal work-family relationship or maybe there are more families out there that have to work apart from each other, but we are trying to make the best of what we have. Since our marriage, back in 2001, we have always had jobs where Jeff worked nights or opposite my school or work schedule. There have been a few times when Jeff had "normal" work hours and I am thankful for those times, but we have learned how to deal with the changes that come upon our family.

It is not easy, as much as I pray that it will be, this life is difficult with its ups and downs. I am grateful for the blessings in my life. Thankful for my husband, who is willing to work hours away from his family-how lonely it must be for him. I atleast, have the boys to keep me company and to help me pass the time. I am also thankful that Betz is working in Vernal too and has been able to take Jeff out a couple times.

I am especially thankful for my family. Usually I am okay, but there are times when I get down or frustrated or lonely and I am thankful that I have people around me that care about me and our family. For example, it always happens that when Jeff is not around my car breaks down. Always happens, I think it hates me or something. Well this week was no different. I was with a client and all of a sudden we saw smoke or steam coming from under the hood. I wasn't too concerned because this has happened before, we had a coolant leak. Well, a gentleman came over and said he thought it was probably a hose that broke given the huge amount of antifreeze all over the ground. I called Jeff. I don't know what he could do with no way to come and rescue me, but I still needed to hear from him-knowing he would make it all seem okay. He immediately called his Father and before I knew it his Dad and brother were towing the car and I was given his mother's car to use. I can't express how much that meant to me to know that it was going to be okay. That, even without Jeff, his family is more than willing to step in and help me when I need it.

Then, knowing that our finances are strained right now, his parents gave me some money for Christmas. Honestly, I had not bought one single thing for Christmas. I will always be grateful for the kindness that Jeff's family has always shown to me. I have never had the terrible stories to tell about the in laws and I have always felt loved, accepted and appreciated. Thanks to the Keller's for all they have done for us over the years.

Finally, yesterday my sister Tara called and asked if we wanted to come and hear Keaton's Christmas program at school. I was hesitant, given my rambunctious boys, but it was so nice to see Keaton smiling and singing and to get to spend the day with my sister. After the program Tara took both my boys, along with her Bella and I was able to go and get some Christmas shopping done. I know there is more to Christmas than what our kids get and the gifts we buy, but I have never before wondered how we were going to pay for Christmas. We don't have a credit card and neither of us wanted to get one, just for Christmas. My sister reassured me that it's okay to not get the kids great big gifts-or for Santa to not get them great big things. I just didn't want Trae to be disappointed, but I realized that he and Miguel are good kids and they will be happy with whatever they get, especially since they are only 5 and 2. With the money from my in laws, and the time, thanks to my sister, I spent the next hour getting quite a bit of my Christmas shopping done. This will be a Christmas Jeff and I will never forget.

To wrap this up, I then spent the rest of the night with Tara and Bella at her house and Costco. I love my sister. We come from a very emotional family-often loud and outspoken, and Tara and I have had our share of disagreements over the years, but I am grateful for her sisterhood and her friendship. I feel that experience binds us together and helps us relate to others and as I have grown I am learning to love unconditionally.

Christmas time already?

 
 
 
 





So, we couldn't wait long to get going on the Christmas tree. I love Thanksgiving, but Christmas is my favorite. I love the lights, the music, the food, the parties. It is all good. I don't always like buying gifts, but that is because it is hard for me to find that perfect, meaningful, yet inexpensive gift. It seems everything always costs so much these days. Anyways, we wanted to get the tree up and the boys made sure we didn't stop until it was all done.



Note the growing baby bump-I am really starting to feel the weight of this baby. We are thinking about the name Chloe, but I still like Carmen. Only 11 weeks to go!



With all the excitement of getting everything out, Miguel slipped and hit his head on a lamp. Poor kid-he knew what to do. He asked for the ice pack. We thought he looked too cute to get by without a picture.

Thanksgiving Day

The day started out with making truffles-of course I forgot to get a picture of the finished product-believe me I was very proud of the way they turned out. Miguel liked the leftover chocolate I left on the table-as you can see.

 

Thanksgiving Dinner was great at my mom's. We ate a great lunch at Jeff's parents, but the camera never made it out. I have got to get better with taking pictures.

 

 

Miguel was so tired from all the festivities that he fell asleep before we even got to dinner. It was nice to have the day to see family and spend time with the ones we love.

 

Favorite Things

Thanks Tara for tagging me-I usually don't keep up with these things. I thought this one was cute though so here goes.

8 Favorite TV shows-in no particular order
*Law and Order-SVU
*Tyra Banks talk show
*Lipstick Jungle
*Worst Week
*Grey's Anatomy
*Desperate Housewives
*Life
*ER

8 Things I did Yesterday
*Had a presidency meeting for Relief Society
*Worked on session notes for work-turned them in
*Picked up Trae from school
*Made lunch
*Cleaned house
*Met Jeff across town-dropped off kids so I could go to work
*Made dinner
*Had family home evening

8 Favorite Restaurants
*Sizzler
*Applebees
*Wendy's
*Winger's
*Mandarin House
*Pizza Hut
*Can't think of anymore

8 Things I am looking forward to
*Christmas lights
*birth of our baby girl
*Tara's wedding
*Sharen and Memo to start their family
*Jeff getting a steady paycheck
*Miguel getting potty trained
*Christmas music
*Christmas Spirit

8 Things on my wish list
*healthy baby
*less contention amongst my kids
*For Sharen to get pregnant (when ready)
*For my boys to understand meaning of Christmas
*Less suffering
*No more broken bones in my family.
*Read a good book
*Take a bubble bath without interruptions

Dancing with the Stars

For the past 28 weeks, I have seen my body change little by little as this pregnancy has been progressing, but it seems like in the last 3-4 weeks I have gotten really big. And that's okay- I am pregnant, but it is still hard to handle that when you have struggled with weight since puberty. Prior to getting pregnant I worked really hard, joined a gym, went for walks with the boys and actually felt good about the way I looked.

Well, I have been feeling sorry for myself and battling that inner voice that says I am just not good enough and not as beautiful as all the women around me. It probably didn't help that as I turned on the T.V. last night Dancing with the Stars was on showcasing beautiful women. Well, we only watched for a few minutes, but my sweet Traeton managed to make all my negative thoughts disappear as he said, "Mom, you should dance on that show." I love my beautiful boys and their personalities. He then said, "You might need to practice a little bit though." I told him I would love to take a dance class after this baby comes and he said I should. Jeff and I just laughed, but it is funny how that quick comment made me feel so beautiful.

It's a beautiful day!

I just want to tell you all about my wonderful weekend. I didn't get to go on a shopping spree or anything, but we did get to spend the whole day together as a family. Saturday morning I got up and decided it was finally time to get the stairway painting project completed. We started painting the stairs @ March and still it was not done. Just as I was getting everything out Jeff came home. I thought he had left to go to work, but he took the day off and went out to get some Christmas ideas. He helped me tape and prep the stairs and then I painted while he went out with the boys and raked leaves. It was nice to be working around the house together. Then we all got ready and went out to COSTCO. This was our first time since the new warehouse opened here in Pocatello and it was so much fun. We didn't even buy anything, except a slice of pizza and some ice cream, but it was the best couple of hours I could have spent. Traeton and Miguel loved looking all over the store-going up and down every isle. I thought it was going to be a nightmare, but it went surprisingly well. The sampling was fun and seeing the kids all excited was the best part.

It probably doesn't seem like much to some people, but for us to be able to spend the whole day together was quite uncommon. Our lives seem so busy and rarely do we get a moment of peace together. The boys are both at great stages and it is fun to see their development and desire to learn more about everything around them. I can't say that I want to go to Costco every Saturday, but it sure made for a cheap family activity.

Boise trip

We had a great weekend! We have been promising Trae that we would take a trip before the baby gets her and with the holidays coming up, we knew we needed to get it out of the way so we packed our bags and headed to see Sharen and Memo. It was a quick trip, but it was fun. The boys always have a good time with Sharen and Memo-the minute we get there Traeton just gets so excited, almost uncontrollable. Sorry Memo. But really we all have a great time and don't ever have enough time.

I had to get a picture of this pretty girl sitting on the rocks. I am so envious of her long, healthy hair. Sharen you are so beautiful-Thanks for working so hard to make our weekend nice. It really meant a lot to us. The boys love to visit and I know they won't ever forget the ducks and geese, we may have to feed them on every trip from now on. We love you and Memo and are so grateful for your patience and willingness to help out with the boys.

Saturday night we had a pizza/pool party with Sharen, Memo, Jared, Tiffany and their boys Andrew and Kyle. It was fun to have them all there and the mess stayed at the hotel, not my house. We also got to hear the boys Primary program on Sunday and that was so fun to be there with them. Thanks Jared and Tiffany for the fantastic lunch and for making it work on such short notice. You guys are amazing and we really admire all that you do as a family.

How cute

So I went to go downstairs to check on Miguel this afternoon and Trae told me that he is sleeping. I arrived in the toy room to see this beautiful load of laundry. How cute is that. Apparently, Miguel likes to use the laundry basket and a pillow as his chair. He just curled up and fell right to sleep. I love moments like this.

We need a name...

So I am now 6 months pregnant (25 1/2 weeks) and we are at a loss for a name for this baby. I have looked over every baby name website on the internet and nothing is really standing out to me. I think I like something and then a few days later I just don't like the way it sounds anymore. We would love some suggestions if you have any. There are a few that I like- Marissa, Madeline, Veronica,Cora, Caroline, Carmen and Brylee. Jeff likes Brylee, but I don't know if I am fond of it or not. Trae likes Sally-isn't he so cute. Really we are not leaning for any one name yet, so if you have heard of any pretty girl names let me know.

Down on my Luck

So, everyday as I am driving to work I pass by this one corner and there is always a homeless person standing there with some sign that says Please Help. I know I should be more Christlike, but it is starting to get to me. There is this one guy that is there probably 4-5 times a week and he has been around for @ 3 months. His sign says "Down on my luck". The other day he was looking at me while I was stopped waiting for traffic to clear and I just about rolled down the window-not to give him money, but to yell at him. I wanted to tell him it has nothing to do with luck. 4 days a week I pack up my kids, I drive across town so my sisters can watch them and I go to work. Do I want to do it? Is it always easy or enjoyable to work and keep up with the demands of life and family? No, but Jeff and I are not where we are because of luck. We are making it work, because we struggle and we work real hard to provide for our family. I don't believe that people end up where they are because of chance or fate. We all make choices.

Granted, I know hard times come and we don't always choose the bad things that happen to us, but we have the right to choose how to respond to them. You either let life take over or you take control of your life. Jeff was laid off from his job last week. That is two lay offs in less than one year. I had my moment-self pity, and all that comes with that. The fears about the future, the holidays, the bills, the upcoming baby and loss of health insurance. The list goes on and on and I struggled with the reasoning of why this would happen to us again. But, I am thankful for a husband that knows how to pray, ask for help, pick himself up, get a job and get to work. I am one of those that wants to wallow for a little while. I get angry and confused. Two days after the lay off I had to teach a lesson in Relief Society about being Thankful on a daily basis. It was that lesson that helped me see that I am so blessed. I have what I need and my faith is strong that we will get through this. I know that the Lord is looking out for us, he cares and I can feel his love for me. I don't understand or know how things will end up, but we will be okay-I am sure of that.

Happy Halloween!

Traeton looked so cute as Scooby Doo this year. He especially loved that he was able to go on a walk with his class around his school to show off his costume.
We got to stay and see Traeton in his class during snack time. It was so fun to be there with him and enjoy his great day.
Miguel has been looking forward to being a fireman for a while now. He has always had a love for fire trucks. I have to say he has to be the most adorable little fireman I have ever seen.

The kids had a great time going to the church for Trunk or Treat and then we went and saw some family members. It was a nice night, not too cold-really nice for the kids to be out trick or treating. Jeff even got in on the action as the Headless Horseman- I will try to post a picture of him a little later. He rode his black horse and everything. It was quite the sight.

Tag

So my sister tagged me and this was the picture. It is from a year ago when we went to the Preston Demolitian Derby and we had some extra time so the boys played on the toys before the Derby started. It was a great day and the Derby has turned into something we try to go to every year. Jeff and I went with his family for one of our very first dates back in 2001. We have tried to go every year since-with this year my family coming along for the ride. My parents were there, along with my sister Tara and her family. It was a lot of fun for us to have them all there.

Happy Birthday!

Hope you had a great day mom! This picture was from Sunday dinner to celebrate Mom and Betz's birthday. My sister fixed lasagna and it was wonderful. Mom's actual birthday was yesterday. I just want to let my mom know how much I love her and admire all that she does for our family. She has always been a great example of unconditional love and the pure love of Christ. I can't recall a day when she hasn't worked just as hard as she can. I am so impressed with all she seems to accomplish. I hope as I learn and grow in this life that I will be able to emulate the many wonderful qualities she has always shown me. She means the world to me and though all of our lives are quite busy, I do love the moments that we have together. Happy Birthday Mom- I love You!!

Good to be home

So the trip was fun. Las Vegas is full of excitement and lights and that was okay for awhile, but it sure feels good to be home. I was missing my boys way too much-though they both say they had a great time at Grandma's house, it was hard to be away from them. Jeff and I haven't taken a big trip alone since our honeymoon so it was great for us to be able to spend some time together. I will admit though, I felt lost and alone without my little ones. It really felt strange to not have them around. Jeff on the other hand, enjoyed every minute of it. He has been begging me for a trip without the kids for a while. Well, since Trae was born 5 yrs. ago.

I am trying to learn how to juggle my time and energy between Jeff and the kids. It has been difficult for me to remember Jeff needs me too. With Trae I was terrible, I never wanted to leave him unless I had to and I always felt like I needed to be holding him. Jeff paid the price for that one. I was learning how to breastfeed and still let others watch him-feeling guilty that I wouldn't be there to feed him. He never did want a bottle. I was a little better with Miguel. Jeff watched him while I went to school and I pumped a lot more, but I still struggled to find balance between my marriage and motherhood.

With the next one on the way, Jeff is worried he will lose what little bit of me he still has. I hope we have learned something with the last two and we will be more prepared for this one. I understand Jeff's frustrations-he says things get better after about a year and a half. When I quit nursing and the baby seems more grown up. I love the baby stage. You never get that back. I am going to try harder with this one to be a better wife and Jeff promises to help with the boys more. Either way I know we will get through it. We are coming up on 7 yrs. of marriage. I remember when one year seemed like such a long time and now it is 7. Time really does go by so quick. This trip was good for us because it remined us of the great time we have together and it forced us to really focus all our energy on eachother. There weren't any distractions-it was just us. I would have liked to relax more, but we did have a lot of fun. I told Jeff it will just be another 2-3 years before we do it again, atleast without any kids.

What fun

So as I looked back over the pictures from our trip I discovered that Jeff and I just don't take that many pictures. There were only a few of them and my favorites included food, especially M&M world. It smelled wonderful-almost too good. Check out all those colors!

On our Way-

Las Vegas here we come!! Jeff and I left Pocatello at 4:30 in the morning to drive to SLC this morning. We made it to our flight just in the nick of time and though tired, we are excited to be getting away-just the two of us. Grandma and Grandpa Keller accepted the challenge to watch our two little rascals, so we could take a quick trip. Jeff and I haven't left our boys for more than one night so this will be the longest so far. We are extremely thankful that we have the support of our family to watch the boys and help Trae get to and from school.

So far the trip has been great-I have moments when I miss the boys, but I know they are having a great time at Grandma's house. Jeff and I have spent the day walking all along the strip. Our feet are killing us and we are both ready to crash. It has been a good day-can't wait to see what tomorrow brings. I'll post some more pictures tomorrow.

We were on the very last row in the plane. I thought I was going to lose it a couple of times, but we made it. Yeah!!!

My life

So my sister said I seriously need to update my blog. The last week and a half have been so busy for our little family. I should explain a little bit about what I mean. When Jeff lost his job last February it was one of the scariest and most humbling moments of both of our lives. As we trusted the Lord and the plan he has for us we were able to find the strength to make things work. It seemed like forever before he was able to get another job, it was actually 2 months, which was long enough, but the point was that we were okay. You see, Jeff made sure I finished college and got my degree in Social Work. I had been working part time for about 6 months when Jeff lost his job.

Because of the blessing of my Social Work License I was able to pick up another job answering the after hours child protection emergency line at night and on the weekends. It was such a blessing and though thankful, it has turned out to be one of the hardest, most stressful jobs I have ever had. Luckily I am on a rotation and I only do it once every 5 or 6 weeks. Well, I was on-call this last week and it was full of quite emotional experiences.

As I looked at a beautiful baby girl born with meth in her system and having to be hooked up to a bypass machine because she could not breathe on her own, I felt so angry at her mother who denied ever using meth. I felt complete selfishness on the part of the mom and I could not imagine how she could jeopardize her beautiful baby's health. I walked away feeling helpless, for myself and for that baby. I wanted to yell at the mom and tell her how stupid she is and how she doesn't deserve to have children, but I told her she can work through this and if she does what she needs to for her child she can work to get her back. ( Her baby was placed in foster care the next day.) It didn't seem fair.

My week was full of trying experiences ( bruised children, angry parents, police, runaways), but the hardest part was leaving my little ones. Though Jeff was there and I am grateful for him, it is never easy to leave your own children, to take care of someone elses. Traeton understands and always asks me if I helped someone. Unfortunately, this weekend, because of work, I let Traeton suffer through a double ear infection and tonsilitis. Of course I didn't know he had all that, but yesterday when I took him to the doctor that was the diagnosis. I felt so terrible. It is hard to be a mom and make the tough choices. I debated taking him in Sunday night and now wish that I had listened to my instincts. I am learning, through being a mom, wife, woman, that I have to listen to the promptings. Whether intuition or the spirit, with the Lord we are so much more powerful than we think.

The First Snow!!

We woke up this beautiful Fall morning to find SNOW! I had heard it was coming, but I wasn't prepared at all.

Luckily the boys were completely prepared. They knew where their pants, hats and gloves were. We had to search a bit for the boots, but it was all worth it.
15 minutes was all it took, but for them it was the best thing they could have done this morning. It's exciting to see them playing together. Miguel is growing up all too quick, getting right in there with his big brother, but I can see the satisfaction on his face as he says, " I'm as big as Trae!"

Never a dull moment

Just when I was questioning the joy in my life-I was reminded once again about what is most important to me. My family! My little 5 yr. old Trae is just like his Dad and though I love them both so much-they are continuously scaring me to death with their constant injuries.

Our most recent scare came when Jeff called me a couple nights ago while I was at work and said that he was working with the horses and the boys were playing in the field. I knew from his tone that something went wrong. Then he said it, "Trae got kicked by the horse." I braced myself for the worst. You see, I am getting used to this emotional roller coaster. Trae has broken his arm twice, knocked his teeth out, and had many close calls. Jeff has also had his share of emergency doctor visits over the years.
I love my boys, but enough is enough. How much can one mother handle? Just kidding- I am learning a lot about my own personal strength, though. Luckily, Trae is okay. He has a half horseshoe bruise on his upper leg and he has been pretty sore. I have to thank my Father in Heaven for that one. It could have been so much worse. I am thankful I was not there to witness him flying from the force of that kick. One of the first things he said when I talked to him was I think I have earned a pizza party. When he broke his arm the last time, his wonderful Aunt Tara brought him pizza and he thought that really seemed to help. He got colored tootsie rolls this time-another one of his favorites.

Finding Joy

I don't have a lot of time, but I have been thinking a lot about Conference this last weekend and I can't get over the Prophet saying that we need to find joy in the journey. Maybe it is because I have felt so out of balance lately, or because life is just stressful, but I needed to be reminded to find joy in my everyday.

Sometimes I catch myself wondering how my life could be different if certain things hadn't happened or played out differently. I know I shouldn't even do that, but I admit that I have moments when I wish I knew what the master plan showed for my life. Is it supposed to be constant chaos? Because right now, it sure feels crazy at times. I am probably just having one of those moments when I feel so overwhelmed and tired. I am trying to get it all done, but sometimes it does feel like I am just falling short of doing anything with any degree of success.

So, as you can see, I need to ponder our great Prophet's message a little longer and find the joy in my life and in the journey that I am a part of. If you have ever had moments like these then you will understand what I am going through. I feel like I am always juggling-being a woman, wife, mother, employee, daughter, sister, friend, neighbor, and the list goes on... Sometimes you just need to breathe.

Fall is in the air

I love this time of year-the colors, the fresh air, the beauty.


I looked outside and saw that our vine is turning this beautiful shade of red and just had to get a picture.

Time Flies

I was remembering Miguel as this beautiful little baby and then I realized that he is almost 3 years old. It feels like we were just taking this baby picture and now he is running, talking and doing most everything on his own. It will be hard to see the change take place in him as we bring another baby home. I remember with Traeton, it was like overnight he just became this big boy. I have struggled with the decision to have another child. For so many reasons, financial-emotional-physical, I have wondered when would be the right time for another addition to our family. I love my kids and I feel so blessed that Jeff and I have been able to see the world through their perfect eyes. The sacrifices that come with family and parenting are so worth the blessings! We really would not change a thing.