this is a good thing, Right?

I find that I have a bit more time now that I am done nursing. It has been so hard for me to quit this time around. Trae was 12 months. Miguel was 14 months and now Maleena made it 15 and Jeff said enough. I know I made the choice, but I like to blame him as I really enjoyed nursing Maleena. I think part of me wanted to stop, but I loved the security of holding Maleena in my arms. Knowing that she needed me and nobody else could comfort her the way I could. Also anticipating that I might not have any more babies probably made it hard for me to let go of Maleena as my baby. We are now two and a half weeks done. Maleena still wonders what happened and my heart breaks that she would have nursed forever if she could. I am no longer able to put her to sleep as easily as before and night have been the hardest time for her so Jeff takes her at night. That is why I have blogged, because he is rocking her and loving her to sleep. When I try she pulls at my shirt and cries. It is too hard for me. I know that eventually i will be able to hold her again, but she equates that rocking and cuddling to nursing and it is just too hard for her right now. I miss my baby

Memorial Day

I wanted to take a minute to express my deep love for those that have passed on before me. Loved ones whose memories pass through my mind often. I will be doing something and all of a sudden my thoughts drift to moments with my grandparents. Or I smell something that reminds me of the familiar smells of my Grandparents home in Texas. I say something and it sounds just like my Grandma Wallace. I look at a garden and think of my Grandpa. It is funny how our brains do that, how we do that. I love the momentary sense of safety and connection that I feel. Like they are right there, whispering to me that they are still near. I may not make it to see their memorials this weekend, but my thoughts are with those that have passed on. So on Memorial Day, thank you to those soldiers that died fighting and my loved ones that seemed to be taken much too soon. I thank them for their examples and love. For all that they did in their lives, so that I can do all that I am now. All my Love-

one year ago..

On May 20th, a year ago, I had some very real fears about our future and Trae's recovery. I sat with him at Primary Children's hospital and I struggled with the unknown. Though the doctors told me all of the success stories and positives of Trae's particular stroke. They also said you just have to wait and see. I can't describe that feeling of uselessness. When you try so hard to protect your children and never would I have imagined what Trae went through. How scary it must have been for him. To blink and not be able to control his body. He was so strong. Loved all of the attention and fought to gain his mobility and muscle control. I am humbled by our blessings. Amazed by the miracles. So now, a year later, I am so thankful that I can say Trae had a stroke and people look at me in disbelief. Thank you to the nurse that helped us out to the car that beautiful May afternoon a year ago. I clung to your words, when you whispered to me that we would get our son back. He continues to scare us with his dare devil character, but I am not afraid of the effects of his stroke. We are so proud of him and impressed with his faith, his courage and his unrelenting perseverance. We love you Trae!!

can't wait for camping

I just had to put a couple pictures of Maleena as she is growing into quite a little lady. She is walking and talking and causing all sorts of problems. We love it!! I have heard us say I don't remember the boys doing that. Maleena is one of a kind. She has lots of personality and she loves to pull things out as she moves around the house. I am loving each new day and dreading it all at the same time. I miss so much while I am working, but I find comfort in the knowledge that I am making a better life for my family. Jeff and I are running here and there and sometimes I wonder how we are going to get through, but we are making it. We have a lot of help and I am thankful for that. Many family members have offered to watch the kids while we work. I have had trainings in Boise where I had to leave for days at a time and many helped us through that, too. Thanks Aunt Sharen and Grandma Keller for hanging in there with the kids. I know they are a handful at times. We count our blessings everyday.

Maleena loves to find things in the garbage. We have learned to put it up high if we don't want any unnecessary messes.

Our latest pleasure comes from sitting out in the yard, roasting marshmallows by the fire. We are all anticipating going Camping. I can't wait for the firesides and starry skies.

What do you think about Jeff's boy scout ability to light a fire?